So, You Found Out They Lied
“The aim of the liar is simply to charm, to delight, to give pleasure. He is the very basis of civilized society.” Oscar Wilde
Few things cut as deeply as realizing someone you trusted hasn’t been honest with you. Whether it’s a partner, a friend, a family member, or even a colleague — discovering a lie can shake your sense of safety.
In one moment, everything you believed about the relationship shifts. You start to replay conversations, question your memory, and wonder, “Was any of it real?”
This moment — the space between truth and understanding — is where betrayal lives. And while it’s painful, it’s also a profoundly human experience that deserves care, not judgment.
First Comes the Shock
When you first find out someone lied, your nervous system goes into high alert.
You might feel numb, anxious, shaky, or disconnected. This is your body’s way of protecting you from the emotional overload of betrayal.
Give yourself permission not to have it all figured out right now.
You don’t need to decide whether to forgive, confront, or walk away immediately. You just need to breathe and ground in the truth of what you’re feeling.
Then Comes the Confusion
Betrayal doesn’t just hurt because of the lie itself — it hurts because of what the lie represented.
You trusted this person. You felt safe. And now your mind is spinning, trying to make sense of it.
Questions like “Why would they do this?” or “What did I miss?” might loop endlessly.
It’s normal to want clarity — but sometimes, the person who hurt you can’t give the kind of explanation that heals.
That clarity has to come from you — by slowing down, identifying what the lie cost you emotionally, and tending to the parts of yourself that feel most violated.
Anger Is a Sign of Caring
Many people rush to push away anger or disappointment, but these feelings are your system’s way of saying, “Something mattered here.”
Anger isn’t dangerous — it’s information. It points to where boundaries were crossed and where self-respect is calling to be reclaimed.
In therapy, we often explore anger as an ally — not something to fear or suppress, but a doorway to understanding your needs, values, and sense of justice.
Self-Blame Will Try to Sneak In
After betrayal, it’s common to start questioning yourself:
How could I not see it?
Did I do something to cause this?
Was I too trusting?
But betrayal says more about the other person’s choices than it ever will about your worth.
Trust is not a flaw — it’s a reflection of your capacity for connection.
The goal isn’t to harden your heart; it’s to heal it so that trust can one day feel safe again.
Healing After Betrayal Takes Time
Processing a lie isn’t just about whether you stay or leave the relationship — it’s about how you care for yourself in the aftermath. Healing means:
Reconnecting with your body’s cues of safety.
Letting yourself grieve the version of the relationship you thought you had.
Naming and validating your emotions, without rushing to fix them.
Slowly rebuilding trust — with yourself first.
Therapy can be a supportive space for this kind of healing: a place to hold the confusion, explore the hurt, and rediscover your inner steadiness.
You’re Not Alone in This
Finding out someone lied can leave you questioning everything — but you don’t have to process it alone.
At The Nest Counseling Center, our therapists create a safe, affirming space to help you untangle the hurt, rebuild trust, and move toward clarity at your own pace.
Whether you’re healing from a recent betrayal or an old wound that’s resurfaced, we’re here to help you come home to yourself again.
👉 Reach out today to begin your healing journey. You deserve honesty, safety, and relationships that honor your trust.