You Don’t Need to Understand to Support
There’s a phrase many people lean on when trying to be kind: “I don’t understand, but I’m trying.”
One of the most common things LGBTQ+ people hear from well-meaning allies is:
“I don’t really understand it, but I support you.”
And that’s okay, with an important distinction.
Understanding is not a prerequisite for support.
Respect, belief, and care are the prerequisite.
You don’t need to fully grasp someone’s identity, experience, or inner world to show up for them in meaningful, life-changing ways.
Understanding Has Limits, and That’s Normal
If you are not LGBTQ+, there are parts of queer and trans experience you may never fully understand. Not because you aren’t trying, but because lived experience can’t be downloaded like information.
What matters is what you do with that gap.
Support doesn’t come from mastery. It comes from humility.
Belief Is More Important Than Understanding
For LGBTQ+ people, especially trans and nonbinary folks, harm often doesn’t come from disagreement it comes from being doubted.
Support sounds like:
“I believe you.”
“I trust you to know who you are.”
“I don’t need to understand it to respect it.”
You don’t need to see the world through someone’s eyes to stop stepping on their toes.
Curiosity Is Not the Same as Entitlement
Questions can be thoughtful, or they can be exhausting.
As an ally:
Learn what questions are appropriate
Notice when curiosity turns into interrogation
Seek education from books, articles, and trainings (not just from LGBTQ+ people in your life)
No one owes you an explanation in order to be treated with dignity.
Support Looks Like Action, Not Opinions
You don’t need the “right” words. You need reliable behavior.
Support can look like:
using someone’s correct name and pronouns
speaking up when someone is being misgendered
advocating for inclusive policies at work or school
voting in ways that protect LGBTQ+ rights
challenging homophobic or transphobic comments even when it’s uncomfortable
Silence often feels like agreement to the person being harmed.
Discomfort Is Not the Same as Harm
Allyship can be uncomfortable. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
Feeling confused, awkward, or unsure is part of learning. Expecting LGBTQ+ people to make you comfortable at the expense of their safety is not.
Growth often sounds like:
“I messed that up. Thank you for correcting me.”
“I’m still learning.”
“I’ll do better next time.”
Repair matters more than perfection.
You Can Support Without Centering Yourself
A common ally pitfall is turning support into self-evaluation:
“Am I doing this right?”
“What if I say the wrong thing?”
These questions are understandable, but when they dominate the moment, LGBTQ+ people end up caretaking your feelings instead of being supported.
Sometimes the most supportive thing you can say is simply:
“I’m here.”
Support Is Ongoing, Not a One-Time Stance
Being an ally isn’t a label; it’s a practice.
It evolves as language changes, as laws change, as people grow. Staying open, listening, and adjusting matters more than holding onto what you learned once.
You don’t need to understand everything today.
You just need to keep showing up tomorrow.
You Don’t Have to Get It to Have Someone’s Back
Support doesn’t require total comprehension.
It requires respect, consistency, and care.
You don’t need to fully understand gender, sexuality, or identity to:
treat people as real
protect their rights
stand up when it counts
And for many LGBTQ+ people, that kind of support can be life-saving.